How do I make it OK with myself--that my husband does these things that DRIVE ME CRAZY? This is a question that one of the clients I see for couples counseling asked recently. She was talking about her frustration with her husband over his seeming unwillingness to change the things that really bothered her. I thought she put the question very astutely. Aside from the possibility that he might fix the things he does that she hates, sometimes people are just not going to change that much. And the only real solution at hand is for her to think differently or feel differently. In her words, how do I make it OK with myself that he is the way he is. You see, not all problems in a relationship are open to fixing. Some problems are permanent and not available for much adjustment. Maybe you can work around them or find ways to bridge across them. Thats probably the best you can expect. And I see that as a good outcome. This inability to change is especially true for issues that are an ingrained part of how a person operates in the world. The chronically late person, for example, who has been that way all of his/her life, is not likely to become Mr./Ms. punctual. Maybe they can figure out some strategies to help them get places on time and maybe this can happen more frequently or even most of the time, but left to their own devices they probably will fall back to their usual lateness. If you are the on time type and you are married to this seldom on time type, what do you do? Maybe you could think differently or feel differently about the problem. Heres one way to do that. I sometimes suggest that couples think of their spouse the same way they might think of a co-worker or friend. Imagine if you had a friend who was chronically late. How do you think about that person and their lateness? Maybe you would see it as a foible and plan around it. Maybe you would make a joke about it. Maybe you would strategize with others to help the late one be on time when its particularly important. Maybe there are times when you just ignore it because you like the person and want to continue the friendship. The benefits outweigh the irritation. Could you think of your spouse in the same way: some good stuff balanced with some annoying stuff? Can you allow that your partner is flawed? If you turn down the volume of criticism and accept him/her as less than perfect, would your relationship be more enjoyable? I was talking with a couple in my therapy office recently and the topic was perfectionism. Expecting the other member of the couple to be perfect or, if not perfect, at least making improvements at a rapid clip. Folks can be very critical when others dont meet their standards. Later, thinking about the session, it occurred to me to ask the question, Do we allow our spouses to have flaws? When the other disappoints, isnt it common to instantly have a ready list of all of the ways in which he/she is not perfect? Isnt it normal to have flaws; sometimes permanent ones? Is it possible to see these as just part of the package? Making it OK with oneself that the other sometimes disappoints may be the best way to deal with one of the realities of relationship: our partners/spouses are different people who think and feel and experience life in ways that are sometimes very different than our own. If we can see this difference as just a difference and not a personal attack, we are likely to manage better. Its something to think about. |
