Chances are you never thought you needed to be rescued from romance. In fact, you probably feel you need more romance in your life, not less. The truth is that most hearts are broken in the painful difference between the possibility of real romance and the insistence on the fantasy of romance -- with the real thing taking the loss. Here are a few tips to help protect you from the ravages of romantic fantasy. 1. Avoid comparing your spouse to some perfect ideal, especially when its the "right" way to do things -- your way. She or he will always flunk the unpassable test of your secret check list. 2. When you feel critical of your mate, check yourself out. What's your intention? Do you want to be helpful and caring? Or are you just trying to control the situation and get your partner to more closely match your fantasy? 3. Don't confuse "having sex" with "making love." There's nothing wrong with either one. But no amount of candles, wine and Quincy Jones will turn sex into real romance. Sex for the sake of sex can be frolicking fun. But making love only occurs when you are open and present, from the deepest reaches of who you really are. Whatever you do, if you're feeling unloved or not getting enough attention, don't look to sex to take care of your frustration. Sex is very powerful, but it's no substitute for the open expression of your needs and concerns. 4. Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having difficulty with your partner that means your relationship is in trouble. More than likely it means your relationship needs a tune-up and oil change. Only in romantic fantasy does everything go smoothly without attention, care and change. When there's difficulty, honestly air your feelings. Identify the problems. Work toward a mutually satisfactory resolution. We'll show you how in chapter 6. 5. Pay close attention to the ways in which you feel you're not full partners in your marriage -- not sharing household responsibilities equally, planning and finances in particular. Bring to the table your feelings that your mate is not pulling his or her load or that you're being left out of certain aspects of your life together. These power differences are often clues that one or both of you are living out some romantic fantasy that keeps you stuck in sex role stereotype(s) rather than building your relationship from the real life contributions you both have to offer. 6. Beware anytime you focus on your spouses physical flaws as a reason to fall out of love. Youre comparing her or him with your ghostly lover. If its something you sincerely want to see changed, like weight or hairstyle, speak up. Explain why you want what you want. 7. Be suspicious if you compare your status and wealth to others. That puts your partner in a very bad light. You also devalue who and what you are. Love and relationship are not based on commodities. 8. Beware when you criticize your partner for selecting such a stupid gift, rather than acknowledging the thought and care that went into it. Appreciate what we call the small kindnesses you do for one another. A small kindness is not merely a nice gesture. Its a gift of consciousness. For instance, say you and your partner both like pears. You like them refrigerated and he or she likes them room temperature. You go to the market and buy six pears. You then put three of them in the refrigerator and three on the counter. Doesnt sound like much. But, when you are aware of what you are doing, you are consciously respecting and cherishing your partner, yourself and your relationship. Consciously give each other one small kindness a day and watch your relationship thrive and grow. (Excerpted from The New Intimacy, Health Communications Inc.) |
