A number of years ago, Jim challenged Judith, telling her that she didnt touch him as much as he touched her. Judith was shocked. From her perspective, she was very affectionate physically. No way, said Jim, not so. By that time in our relationship wed learned how each other liked to receive criticism so that it wasnt experienced as an attack. But Jim wanted her to be sure to know he was very serious, and meant it as a challenge to her to become more aware, and of course much more physically affectionate. A short time later we were driving to meet her father, a trip of about an hour and a half. During the ride, Judith asked, Jim, do you feel that? She was smiling. Feel what? Jim said. Making her point, she squeezed his thigh where her hand already touched him. That. He looked down and knew immediately that he had been hoisted on his own challenge. How long has your hand been there? Judith was beaming with affection, Oh, about three minutes. Oh, he smiled, and began to move his mouth as though he was chewing. What are you doing? Judith wondered. As a blush was rising in his cheeks, he half-whispered, Well, this crow isnt bad. Your recipe? We both laughed, enjoying each others humanity. Sadly, in many relationships, a moment like that has the potential for real danger. The one exposed for being unconscious can feel it as humiliation and then retaliate. But that happens only when the foibles and frailties of being human are not embraced. The fact is, not one of us escapes feeling absolutely certain about something only to bump into the wide range of our own lack of awareness. You see, intimacy has a difficult time with absolute certainty. Theres no room to breathe, and no room to receive reality. Albert Camus wrote Nothing is true that forces one to exclude. We believe that wholeheartedly. Jim was not proclaiming from on high when he made the initial challenge. And Judith had no intention of belittling him. Reality was the point. Reality the only place where penetrating intimacy can take root and become a spiritual bouquet. Keep in mind, this point is tricky. We all have powerful feelings and act on them with confidence. Thats okay. As long as you remember not to exclude. When you do, you get caught in your own lie. Jims challenge opened up more awareness for us both. And thats the point. Intimacy and awareness are two sides of the same soul. And besides, now very little, if any, of our touching goes by unnoticed. Thats one level of the payoff. The other is consciousness. We are much better aware of each others needs with regard to physical affection, giving and receiving it more freely and joyously. Dont back away from announcing what you believe is right. Even if its not, if your intention is to support the well-being of your relationship, you will be rewarded in the end. |
